Satire | Fearful of Impeachment, Trump Shaves Head and Pretends He is Someone Else

haircut

In a brilliant display of stupidity that could only be set to the song ‘chariots of fire,’ serial fuck up and Alternative U.S. President, Donald J. Trump arrived to work this morning without a certain something: his hair.

Seems he also goes by a different name now, too, Ronald Pmurt– to which he claims the ‘p’ is silent. Judging by the ridiculousness of this latest stunt by the now Pmurt administration, you can expect tons of fun.

“Mr. Trump, that’s such an interesting choice to shave your head. Is this a sign that you’re willing to make changes in how you run the country… Wait, I mean is this a sign that you’re going to actually run the country now, sir?”

The question, asked by Rose Palmer in the crowd of Journalists outside the White House as Trump walked out to greet everyone, was on the mind of everyone waiting their turn.

“Who? Did you address me as ‘Mr.Trump?’

“That is your name isn’t it, sir?” Palmer asked sharply.

“See, this is what I’m talking about. Right here you have someone that doesn’t think folks. That does not think. I’m President Ronald Pmurt, which, by the way, the ‘p’ is silent, I beat Hillary Clinton in a landslide in 2016. Start thinking will ya’? Next question.”

“Uh, sir, and I call you that strictly to avoid calling you the President, actually you lost the popular vote by three million and Pmurt is just ‘Trump’ spelled backwards.” Palmer insisted that Trump had been lying but she could not pierce his veil of bullshit. It was clear he was going to stick with his new name and look.

We asked special counsel Robert Mueller what he planned to do about Mr. Pmurt now that he’s going to prosecute Mr. Trump.

“Whether he goes by Pmurt or Trump, his ass is as the grass that grows on his golf courses.”

 

Satire | Trump Reaches Out to Penn & Teller to Make Mueller Investigation Disappear; Penn: We’ll Do Our Best

theater_penn_and_teller

If Alternative U.S. President and Tax Fraud Expert, Donald J. Trump gets his way and magic turns out to be real, Mueller will be gone without a trace. The leader of the dictatorial world has reached out to, not one, but two people in the form of the dynamic duo, Penn & Teller, for White House Chief of Staff.

When asked why two people for the job instead of just one like it has always been, Trump broke down and said, “Two people are always stronger than one because if one were stronger than two, we wouldn’t need two. Okay?”

Members of the press room looked at each other in silence for a few moments with their mouths open.

Larry Dice put his hand up for a question. “What does that even mean, sir?”

To which Trump replied, “exactly,” with a smirk and full puffy bags under his eyes. Dice slowly put his hand down as he was in an utter state of shock.

Later that night, we caught up with Penn in the lobby and asked him what he and his partner think of sharing the role of White House Chief of Staff.

“I’ve sat down with President shit-for-brains on four different occasions and explained to him all four times that Teller and I don’t actually possess magical powers. He…won’t…listen. He insists that the both of us could hold hands to ‘pool’ our power.”

Penn cut the conversation short as he had to attend a party but we basically got all we needed. Trump’s not going to be able to use magic to make his problems disappear.