Tag: Republicans

Opinion | Pigs Can’t Fly: The Fantasy of Celebrity and Bipartisan Campaigns for President



The things that make me cringe: talk of celebrities running for president, bipartisan tickets, and conspiracy theories. That last one especially bothers me, though. Have you ever witnessed two people talking about something that never happened (outside of any religious context) with such fervor?

The people whose hearts absolutely melt over the subject of jet fuel and steel beams are no different than the ones who glean their enjoyment from talking about things that either can’t happen, won’t happen, or would be bad for the country if they did happen- like a viable unity ticket, the Rock somehow body slamming Putin, or Donald Trump becoming President in 2016. If you want to go back further, consider Ronald Reagan and trickle down theory.

I don’t know about any of you reading this (which I greatly appreciate. Thank you.), but I ask myself two important questions when it comes to every potential or declared candidate for office: what are their qualifications for the office and what are they going to do when they get there?

It seems like a fairly large amount of potential voters forget to ask those critical questions and, instead, get caught up in the warped fun house of what if. What if Oprah got in? What if the Rock announced? Wouldn’t it be swell if Biden and Mitt Romney ran on a unity ticket? What if the Moon landings were faked?…Just stop.

It’s not that I don’t think Oprah or the Rock would potentially make good presidents, I just don’t think they’re qualified for the job, nor do I think they even know what they would do if they were to get elected. And that embarrassing idea of a Biden/Romney unity ticket…

Candy, get the transcript. If political junkies remember the 2012 election, besides Dick Morris’ factor of eight nonsense, Romney, we learned, loaded businesses with debt and sold them off, leaving a significant amount of people without a job. Does Joe Biden really want to be politically associated with any of that? Do people who support Joe Biden really want that?

But aren’t these all really just conspiracy theories in a way? I mean, we have a spectrum: things that people say happened that never did and things that common sense dictates simply can’t/won’t/shouldn’t happen. Both sides of the political spectrum engage in this behavior. It’s called mental masturbation. Urban Dictionary defines this as the act of engaging in useless, yet intellectually stimulating conversation.

For example, it would be completely useless if I were the only person in the world who actually knew if 9/11 were an inside job because nobody would take my information seriously and I would be held for psychiatric evaluation, if not for questioning by the FBI. However, it would be intellectually stimulating to discuss what temperature a steel beam destabilizes.

Do I close my eyes, rock back and forth, and plug my ears while screaming stuttering Stanley over and over ever time I hear about unity this, or Oprah that, or of fake moon landings. You bet your ass I do! and you should, too!

It may be fun to engage in useless, yet intellectually stimulating conversation, but it is a complete waste of time. Celebrities, either running for president or having been president, have bad track records. Just look at trickle down economics and this third and latest government shutdown as proof.







Opinion | Why Donald Trump Will Lose in 2020


Let’s pretend, for a moment, that Trump isn’t under investigation and that the Russians didn’t help elect him(they totally did and we all know it). This fact remains; he’s less dangerous playing golf or watching television than trying to be president on days he feels like working because he obviously can’t perform the essential duties of the job.

And you know he’s really not leadership material when the only person who didn’t say no to being his chief of staff was the guy who once called him a ‘terrible human being.’ Lies and faulty promises paved the road to Trump’s first win but mistakes, laziness, and thin skin will cost him his second term.

With presidential election season around the corner, a few Democratic hopefuls are weighing their options carefully.

All eyes, thus far, are on three men who may or may not run: Biden, Beto, and Sanders. And if these highly skilled, highly qualified people show up to work every day on the campaign trail, the alternative president is toast.

Trump promised his base many, many things before and after he was elected. His most famous and, perhaps his most critical promise of all– America building the border wall and Mexico paying for it— simply isn’t going to come true.

Trump recently threatened to shut down the government if he didn’t get funding for his wall, meaning Americans, not Mexicans would be paying the bill.

Ultimately, the asterisk president knows that without the wall, he’s not getting reelected, never mind who pays for it. He can just convince his supporters, when the time comes, that they’re paying more in taxes, not because his tax cuts for them had expired, but because Democrats are out of control spenders of other people’s money– the tired line we hear every four years.

He can blame Democrats all he wants for not getting the funding but he’ll never be able to coherently explain to his critics how he couldn’t get it done while Republicans controlled all branches of government.

All his empty promises aside, the fact that he doesn’t show up to work every day to see his failures through to the end is another critical reason why Donald Trump will lose in 2020.

According to trumpgolfcount.com, the eccentric, part-time president has cost the American tax payer $84M while the Muller investigation has made the tax payer a profit of $48M.

Although a good sign for sanity in America, if he continues to withdraw from the duties of his job, his supporters may lose confidence and simply stay home when it comes time to vote for him again, knowing he won’t deliver on any of his rhetoric.

And then there’s the fact that Trump can’t take a little fun at his expense, even from SNL, who recently aired a skit called ‘What a Wonderful Trump,’ where Trump, the impersonation, imagines he’s not the President while all his failures warmly greet him and talk about Hillary Clinton. Saturday Night Live has poked fun at every U.S. president since the show began and for Trump to believe he should be treated differently reveals a snowflake side to his personality.

So, for those reading who are worried about Trump’s chances of being reelected, you can relax. When he’s not golfing or watching ‘Fox and Friends‘ he’ll be on the trail, talking about the border wall he couldn’t deliver in his first and, if I’m right, only term. I can tell you the eventual Democratic nominee will be able to do things like read and take a joke without acting the part of the spoiled child.

If the Mueller investigation I asked you to pretend doesn’t exist at the beginning of this article doesn’t take him down, his Democratic challenger, whoever that may be, will. I personally can’t wait to see the comment sections light up with Trump supporters weaving conspiracy after conspiracy of why he didn’t win. I just feel bad for Trump when the moment arrives and he tries to read them but can’t.







Satire | Fearful of Impeachment, Trump Shaves Head and Pretends He is Someone Else


In a brilliant display of stupidity that could only be set to the song ‘chariots of fire,’ serial fuck up and Alternative U.S. President, Donald J. Trump arrived to work this morning without a certain something: his hair.

Seems he also goes by a different name now, too, Ronald Pmurt– to which he claims the ‘p’ is silent. Judging by the ridiculousness of this latest stunt by the now Pmurt administration, you can expect tons of fun.

“Mr. Trump, that’s such an interesting choice to shave your head. Is this a sign that you’re willing to make changes in how you run the country… Wait, I mean is this a sign that you’re going to actually run the country now, sir?”

The question, asked by Rose Palmer in the crowd of Journalists outside the White House as Trump walked out to greet everyone, was on the mind of everyone waiting their turn.

“Who? Did you address me as ‘Mr.Trump?’

“That is your name isn’t it, sir?” Palmer asked sharply.

“See, this is what I’m talking about. Right here you have someone that doesn’t think folks. That does not think. I’m President Ronald Pmurt, which, by the way, the ‘p’ is silent, I beat Hillary Clinton in a landslide in 2016. Start thinking will ya’? Next question.”

“Uh, sir, and I call you that strictly to avoid calling you the President, actually you lost the popular vote by three million and Pmurt is just ‘Trump’ spelled backwards.” Palmer insisted that Trump had been lying but she could not pierce his veil of bullshit. It was clear he was going to stick with his new name and look.

We asked special counsel Robert Mueller what he planned to do about Mr. Pmurt now that he’s going to prosecute Mr. Trump.

“Whether he goes by Pmurt or Trump, his ass is as the grass that grows on his golf courses.”


Satire | Trump Reaches Out to Penn & Teller to Make Mueller Investigation Disappear; Penn: We’ll Do Our Best


If Alternative U.S. President and Tax Fraud Expert, Donald J. Trump gets his way and magic turns out to be real, Mueller will be gone without a trace. The leader of the dictatorial world has reached out to, not one, but two people in the form of the dynamic duo, Penn & Teller, for White House Chief of Staff.

When asked why two people for the job instead of just one like it has always been, Trump broke down and said, “Two people are always stronger than one because if one were stronger than two, we wouldn’t need two. Okay?”

Members of the press room looked at each other in silence for a few moments with their mouths open.

Larry Dice put his hand up for a question. “What does that even mean, sir?”

To which Trump replied, “exactly,” with a smirk and full puffy bags under his eyes. Dice slowly put his hand down as he was in an utter state of shock.

Later that night, we caught up with Penn in the lobby and asked him what he and his partner think of sharing the role of White House Chief of Staff.

“I’ve sat down with President shit-for-brains on four different occasions and explained to him all four times that Teller and I don’t actually possess magical powers. He…won’t…listen. He insists that the both of us could hold hands to ‘pool’ our power.”

Penn cut the conversation short as he had to attend a party but we basically got all we needed. Trump’s not going to be able to use magic to make his problems disappear.