Tag: Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez

Cult of the Occasional Cortex seeks tax-exempt status, self-annihilates

DERP wire services

Taking one page from Das Kapital, and another from the Koran, followers of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez founded a religious organization and sought tax-exempt status earlier this week.  The resulting philosophical self-contradiction almost immediately resulted in a total collapse of the group.  Only four members survived the initial carnage, and two of them were reported to be deep in shock, unresponsive, and unlikely to ever wield hammers (or sickles) again.

The sole fully-lucid survivor, Allie O’Reilly Campbell, evidently running late to the meeting, witnessed the incident from the threshold of the building serving as the group’s headquarters.  At the moment the cult’s founder, Alessandra Ocampo Cordell, finished filling out the Form 1023 that it planned to file with the IRS, the witness entered the door.  As the last box in the form was being completed, the survivor saw a bright flash, of “Einsteinian proportions,” and the gathering vanished in a “puff of logic.” 

Upon being treated and released, Campbell issued a statement, saying that the cult was founded on the basis of a political interpretation of the Islamic concept of taqiyya, which permits believers, under certain narrow circumstances, to make untrue statements (mostly to non-believers).  The cult’s political justification for this practice is rooted in the Social Justice Warrior’s Handbook, which asserts that “feels are superior to facts” when pushing certain issues.  Emboldened by Ocasio-Cortez’ recent statement downplaying the public’s concern about statements being less “factually and semantically correct” than “being morally right,” the group (originally a James Frey book club) determined that they had a religious justification for advocating specific untruths.  Taqiyya seems to be the group’s sole nod to existing dogma of any kind, and it is suspected that it was employed specifically to justify the seeking of tax-exempt status.

The event left Campbell suffering from radiation exposure, which prompted the attending physician to opine that the incident was a form of “mutual annihilation” seen in nature when subatomic particles, and their antimatter counterparts, collide.  In this case, the opposing factors would seem to be socialism and tax-free status.  He cautioned that socialism, in American political discourse, “remains radioactive” and should be avoided by those engaged in certain lifestyles and activities (especially, anything involving the earning or spending of money).

Cult of the Occasional Cortex seeks recognition, members

DERP wire services

Elated by the election of one of their own to Congress, the newly-branded Cult has called for the creation of a new socialist party.  Undeterred by the existence of another national socialist party in the United States, the Cult is ready for open battle in the streets, if need be.  Modeling their revolution-to-be on the Great Purge, the Cult has announced an initiative to evict all non-Cult members from socialist orthodoxy, calling for separation from the Democratic Party, with the eventual aim of completely supplanting it (to which House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has responded, in a Capitol Hill press conference, “Pthpthpthpth”).

While eschewing any form of religious test, the Cult has asserted that among the qualifications for membership, members must speak with a clear Bronx or Queens accent (and reeducation centers are being proposed throughout the South to facilitate this).  Its secret handshake reportedly involves flipping the bird at the birthplaces of Adam Smith and F. A. Hayek.  The Cult’s emblem is still undergoing design revision, in light of the early consensus that hammers and sickles are too “toxically masculine” to represent their membership.  Slogan possibilities have been narrowed down to “Ideas so good, they should be mandatory” and “Waiting in lines for food, toilet paper and medicine brings us all closer together.”

In a preemptive move against being cited as a “socialist” nation, Denmark has once again hoist high the head of Bernie Sanders, impaled on a pike during the 2016 election and preserved in a lutefisk cask. Venezuela, meanwhile, has opened diplomatic relations with the Bronx, seeking normalization of trade relations.  In exchange for Venezuelan oil, the country seeks to obtain a steady supplier of toilet paper, and of rats, stray cats and dogs, all of which have been eaten to extinction within its own borders, and which are naturally abundant throughout New York.