Hump Day at CPAC

Hump Day 3 - Ed 1

The original photo is already hackneyed, a jaded pathetic cliché.  Like Sweaty Richard Nixon and the Checkers speech, or Bush Jr. on the aircraft carrier with the “Mission Accomplished” banner.  I suppose most people viewed this CPAC spectacle as some sort of sick Me Too moment, or maybe thought of a Snow Monkey humping a basketball.  That crossed my mind, as did the notion that here Trump is doing to the flag what he’s been doing to us for the last couple of years.  As humor often is, that was, sadly, too close to a dark truth to be funny.  I thought maybe the angle that he mistook the flag for a porn star might work, but that depressed me for the same reason.

So after dry humping the flag, he went off on a deranged monologue for two hours.  If an older relative spoke like that you’d be figuring out a way to nab his car keys and keep him off the road.  It sounded like he went off his meds, but CPAC loved it.  Of course they did.  So family values now embrace cheating, as long as it’s with a porn star.  Or a Playboy bunny.  It’s ok to lie about not knowing them, more lies of not knowing about the hush money, then confronted with the checks he signed he claims it wasn’t money from the campaign.  I suppose that’s another lie, but who knows.  Either way, the cash does not have to originate from a campaign fund to be an illegal expenditure.  It could have come from his charity.  The one the NY AG shut down because of outright fraud, as he happily treated that money along with campaign and inaugural contributions as his own personal loot.  Or to express sadness that a really good guy like Manafort is going to jail for tax evasion, money laundering, bank fraud and perjury.  For Chrissake,  he was the bag man for Putin’s other puppet, the former President of Ukraine.  Apparently all that’s ok too.  And it must be so disappointing that after years of accusations they couldn’t get anything on Hillary.  Not a single stinking charge they could trot out in front of a grand jury.  Anywhere.  I want to see CPAC, to see what it looks like when these slobbering slack-jawed Trumpian sodomites proudly pass these values on to their kids.

 

Cult of the Occasional Cortex seeks tax-exempt status, self-annihilates

DERP wire services

Taking one page from Das Kapital, and another from the Koran, followers of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez founded a religious organization and sought tax-exempt status earlier this week.  The resulting philosophical self-contradiction almost immediately resulted in a total collapse of the group.  Only four members survived the initial carnage, and two of them were reported to be deep in shock, unresponsive, and unlikely to ever wield hammers (or sickles) again.

The sole fully-lucid survivor, Allie O’Reilly Campbell, evidently running late to the meeting, witnessed the incident from the threshold of the building serving as the group’s headquarters.  At the moment the cult’s founder, Alessandra Ocampo Cordell, finished filling out the Form 1023 that it planned to file with the IRS, the witness entered the door.  As the last box in the form was being completed, the survivor saw a bright flash, of “Einsteinian proportions,” and the gathering vanished in a “puff of logic.” 

Upon being treated and released, Campbell issued a statement, saying that the cult was founded on the basis of a political interpretation of the Islamic concept of taqiyya, which permits believers, under certain narrow circumstances, to make untrue statements (mostly to non-believers).  The cult’s political justification for this practice is rooted in the Social Justice Warrior’s Handbook, which asserts that “feels are superior to facts” when pushing certain issues.  Emboldened by Ocasio-Cortez’ recent statement downplaying the public’s concern about statements being less “factually and semantically correct” than “being morally right,” the group (originally a James Frey book club) determined that they had a religious justification for advocating specific untruths.  Taqiyya seems to be the group’s sole nod to existing dogma of any kind, and it is suspected that it was employed specifically to justify the seeking of tax-exempt status.

The event left Campbell suffering from radiation exposure, which prompted the attending physician to opine that the incident was a form of “mutual annihilation” seen in nature when subatomic particles, and their antimatter counterparts, collide.  In this case, the opposing factors would seem to be socialism and tax-free status.  He cautioned that socialism, in American political discourse, “remains radioactive” and should be avoided by those engaged in certain lifestyles and activities (especially, anything involving the earning or spending of money).

Cult of the Occasional Cortex seeks recognition, members

DERP wire services

Elated by the election of one of their own to Congress, the newly-branded Cult has called for the creation of a new socialist party.  Undeterred by the existence of another national socialist party in the United States, the Cult is ready for open battle in the streets, if need be.  Modeling their revolution-to-be on the Great Purge, the Cult has announced an initiative to evict all non-Cult members from socialist orthodoxy, calling for separation from the Democratic Party, with the eventual aim of completely supplanting it (to which House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has responded, in a Capitol Hill press conference, “Pthpthpthpth”).

While eschewing any form of religious test, the Cult has asserted that among the qualifications for membership, members must speak with a clear Bronx or Queens accent (and reeducation centers are being proposed throughout the South to facilitate this).  Its secret handshake reportedly involves flipping the bird at the birthplaces of Adam Smith and F. A. Hayek.  The Cult’s emblem is still undergoing design revision, in light of the early consensus that hammers and sickles are too “toxically masculine” to represent their membership.  Slogan possibilities have been narrowed down to “Ideas so good, they should be mandatory” and “Waiting in lines for food, toilet paper and medicine brings us all closer together.”

In a preemptive move against being cited as a “socialist” nation, Denmark has once again hoist high the head of Bernie Sanders, impaled on a pike during the 2016 election and preserved in a lutefisk cask. Venezuela, meanwhile, has opened diplomatic relations with the Bronx, seeking normalization of trade relations.  In exchange for Venezuelan oil, the country seeks to obtain a steady supplier of toilet paper, and of rats, stray cats and dogs, all of which have been eaten to extinction within its own borders, and which are naturally abundant throughout New York.

Sarcasm | Dashboard ICE Jesus

ICE Jesus - Edit - Lo Res

Here’s a great gift idea for Magaheads everywhere.  A Dashboard ICE Jesus to remind them they are fighting the good fight. ICE Jesus hated immigrants, especially the kids.

Satire | Fearful of Impeachment, Trump Shaves Head and Pretends He is Someone Else

haircut

In a brilliant display of stupidity that could only be set to the song ‘chariots of fire,’ serial fuck up and Alternative U.S. President, Donald J. Trump arrived to work this morning without a certain something: his hair.

Seems he also goes by a different name now, too, Ronald Pmurt– to which he claims the ‘p’ is silent. Judging by the ridiculousness of this latest stunt by the now Pmurt administration, you can expect tons of fun.

“Mr. Trump, that’s such an interesting choice to shave your head. Is this a sign that you’re willing to make changes in how you run the country… Wait, I mean is this a sign that you’re going to actually run the country now, sir?”

The question, asked by Rose Palmer in the crowd of Journalists outside the White House as Trump walked out to greet everyone, was on the mind of everyone waiting their turn.

“Who? Did you address me as ‘Mr.Trump?’

“That is your name isn’t it, sir?” Palmer asked sharply.

“See, this is what I’m talking about. Right here you have someone that doesn’t think folks. That does not think. I’m President Ronald Pmurt, which, by the way, the ‘p’ is silent, I beat Hillary Clinton in a landslide in 2016. Start thinking will ya’? Next question.”

“Uh, sir, and I call you that strictly to avoid calling you the President, actually you lost the popular vote by three million and Pmurt is just ‘Trump’ spelled backwards.” Palmer insisted that Trump had been lying but she could not pierce his veil of bullshit. It was clear he was going to stick with his new name and look.

We asked special counsel Robert Mueller what he planned to do about Mr. Pmurt now that he’s going to prosecute Mr. Trump.

“Whether he goes by Pmurt or Trump, his ass is as the grass that grows on his golf courses.”

 

Satire | Trump Reaches Out to Penn & Teller to Make Mueller Investigation Disappear; Penn: We’ll Do Our Best

theater_penn_and_teller

If Alternative U.S. President and Tax Fraud Expert, Donald J. Trump gets his way and magic turns out to be real, Mueller will be gone without a trace. The leader of the dictatorial world has reached out to, not one, but two people in the form of the dynamic duo, Penn & Teller, for White House Chief of Staff.

When asked why two people for the job instead of just one like it has always been, Trump broke down and said, “Two people are always stronger than one because if one were stronger than two, we wouldn’t need two. Okay?”

Members of the press room looked at each other in silence for a few moments with their mouths open.

Larry Dice put his hand up for a question. “What does that even mean, sir?”

To which Trump replied, “exactly,” with a smirk and full puffy bags under his eyes. Dice slowly put his hand down as he was in an utter state of shock.

Later that night, we caught up with Penn in the lobby and asked him what he and his partner think of sharing the role of White House Chief of Staff.

“I’ve sat down with President shit-for-brains on four different occasions and explained to him all four times that Teller and I don’t actually possess magical powers. He…won’t…listen. He insists that the both of us could hold hands to ‘pool’ our power.”

Penn cut the conversation short as he had to attend a party but we basically got all we needed. Trump’s not going to be able to use magic to make his problems disappear.