DERP wire services

Elated by the election of one of their own to Congress, the newly-branded Cult has called for the creation of a new socialist party.  Undeterred by the existence of another national socialist party in the United States, the Cult is ready for open battle in the streets, if need be.  Modeling their revolution-to-be on the Great Purge, the Cult has announced an initiative to evict all non-Cult members from socialist orthodoxy, calling for separation from the Democratic Party, with the eventual aim of completely supplanting it (to which House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has responded, in a Capitol Hill press conference, “Pthpthpthpth”).

While eschewing any form of religious test, the Cult has asserted that among the qualifications for membership, members must speak with a clear Bronx or Queens accent (and reeducation centers are being proposed throughout the South to facilitate this).  Its secret handshake reportedly involves flipping the bird at the birthplaces of Adam Smith and F. A. Hayek.  The Cult’s emblem is still undergoing design revision, in light of the early consensus that hammers and sickles are too “toxically masculine” to represent their membership.  Slogan possibilities have been narrowed down to “Ideas so good, they should be mandatory” and “Waiting in lines for food, toilet paper and medicine brings us all closer together.”

In a preemptive move against being cited as a “socialist” nation, Denmark has once again hoist high the head of Bernie Sanders, impaled on a pike during the 2016 election and preserved in a lutefisk cask. Venezuela, meanwhile, has opened diplomatic relations with the Bronx, seeking normalization of trade relations.  In exchange for Venezuelan oil, the country seeks to obtain a steady supplier of toilet paper, and of rats, stray cats and dogs, all of which have been eaten to extinction within its own borders, and which are naturally abundant throughout New York.

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